A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
This was a hard read for me, not so much because Lewis is such a deep thinker, but because it hit home so deeply. And this is the one I read first, closest to Levi’s death. The book is so thin, less than 100 pages, but it took me a month to read. There’s so much in it that it’s hard to pick just one quote, but this one has stuck with me:
“Getting over it so soon? …To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another …Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it' But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man.”
The idea of walking with a limp resonates so strongly. I’ve lost my son. I am moving forward, but I won’t be the same again.
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Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg
Three copies were given to us in those first weeks after Levi died. Sadly, in my fog, I don’t recall who gave them to us. I didn’t realize it, but this one is a classic, originally published in the 1960’s. Westberg calls out ten phases of grief, I was only aware of five. While Granger has a lot of great things to say, this quote from Rabbi Joshua Liebman's book Peace of Mind is my favorite.
Says Liebman: "The melody that the loved one played upon the piano of your life will never be played quite that way again, but we must not close the keyboard and allow the instrument to gather dust. We must seek out other artists of the spirit, new friends who gradually will help us to find the road to life again, who will walk that road with us."
There are so many wonderful friends who are walking with us through this. There are a precious few who sit at the piano and play.
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Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff
Our dear friends Ronnie and Jamie gave us this book. They too have lost a son. The precious note they wrote on the inside cover is something I treasure. I identified closely with this book. Wolterstorff’s son died at 25 too. I think I underlined half of this book. These lines stand out to me:
“Loss is his as well. How very strange! Yet I feel it acutely. His sudden early death is not just our loss but his: the loss of seeing trees, of hearing music, of reading books, of writing books, of walking through cathedrals, of visiting friends, of being with family, of marrying, of going to church, and-dare I say it-of climbing mountains.”
Some of the most intense emotions overtake me when I recognize what Levi won’t get, what we won’t experience with him.
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Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
A friend who visited shortly after Levi’s death said she was reading this, and that it was helping her make sense of death and loss. I think I ordered a copy that same day, (lest I forget!), although it was months before I was able to pick it up. The subtitle is, “Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church”. Reading this has been such a wonderful reminder of what the Bible says about life after death, and is helping me settle.
“Christians who die go to be with Christ, but that is not their final destination. The ultimate Christian hope is the resurrection of the body and life in God’s renewed creation when Christ returns.”
And
“Resurrection doesn’t mean life after death. It means life after life after death.”
And so, I imagine Levi is in a transitional state, living and present with Jesus, awaiting bodily resurrection. As much as I miss him, I’m sure he’s experiencing such goodness, beauty, and truth, that I can’t really wish he were still here.
Ω